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Marijuana, Lions & Tigers, Break Legs Like The NFL Saints, Cracked Balls, Testicles, Pizza

September 23, 2012

Multi-Faceted Uses of Golf Courses!
Grow the Grass

Those in the know realize it’s expensive to maintain a golf course, particularly in desert areas where re-seeding is still a necessity because of the traditional demand for green grass. Add on the expenses of keeping a clubhouse going, food & beverage, staff salaries, and you’ve got an annual budget in the millions of dollars. Many courses are running deficits, some have recently filed bankruptcy or sold dirt cheap, literally. So what to do?
Diversify. Diversify. Diversify.

Wind turbines? Why not? In strategic locations on the golf course, put up a turbine or two—help the environment while helping the pocketbook. Modern turbines are high enough where golfers won’t feel like their playing the 18th hole at their favorite miniature golf course, you know the one with the windmill where you putt the ball through the barn door to try to get a free game.

Being “high” leads right into the next diversification a golf course can add to enhance its coffers—farming. If you want to go the traditional route sticking with the fruits and vegetables— artichokes, corn, dates, grapes, oranges, grapefruit—sure, you can make a few bucks. But the real crop to farm with the bigger payoff is— marijuana!

Yep, that’s right, marijuana. Farfetched? Ridiculous? Will never happen? Stranger things have come to pass. With medical marijuana becoming more mainstream, with the widespread use of marijuana recreationally, the current prohibition will fall by the wayside just like Prohibition did with alcohol.
There is no turning back.

Though marijuana can be dangerous in the wrong hands especially due to the strength of today’s weed, too many people have inhaled it without known negative results. Marijuana is here to stay—like it or not. So, golf courses, why not grow it!

The third diversification— roar into the wild animal park business. Golf courses encompass a relatively large land mass. Modify the current golf course or, when designing new ones, make room for animals. Not just rabbits, birds, lizards, snakes, ducks, coots, squirrels, big horn sheep, coyotes—on desert courses—or deer, bear, foxes, cougar, eagles, moose—on mountain courses, but “the real thing”—zebras, antelope, monkeys, camels, throw in an elephant (or two), tigers and rhinoceros, and then you’ve really got something! Charge admission or include the golf course “zoo section” as part of your tournament package.

And…what a great place to have a wedding! Among the animals. Animal lovers can play golf in the morning and get married next to their favorite giraffe in the afternoon.
Of course, for junior golfers, a petting zoo is recommended.

There you have it—three ways golf courses can add to the bottom line. Farm “grass.” Make wind. And monkey around.

Tackle Your Opponent And Pound His Head

As rough and rugged the NFL is, the recent findings that the New Orleans Saints for three years have been rewarding its players with bonuses for injuring and knocking opposing players out of games is still disturbing. Yah, Belichick was caught spying on opposing teams and got reprimanded. But coaches giving players extra money to maim other players, that’s crossing the out of bounds line.

However, we can take the concept and apply it to golf. Since golf is a gentlemen and gentlewomen’s game, we apply the principle in a less injurious way…well, almost. So, here we go:

The Top Ten Ways to Sabotage Your Opponent in Golf

10. Put Super Glue in her golf gloves when she’s not looking.

9. Have an accomplice call the course and, regarding your playing opponent, say there is an emergency at home. Your playing partner freaks out and leaves the course.

8. Sneak into the locker room where your opponent is going to change clothes and put Deep Heat all over the inside of his pants.

7. When she’s not looking, grab your opponent’s lipstick from her purse, remove the cosmetic portion and replace it with a glue stick. This particularly works well on a warm day when the glue is nice and juicy.

6. Pour honey into all the pockets of your opponent’s golf bag.

5. Fill her golf shoes with peanut butter (add jelly if you wish).

4. Hide a hacksaw in your golf bag. When your opponent is in the bathroom out of sight, cut off the heads of his driver and putter and carefully place them back together with a light dosage of Elmer’s Glue.

3. At the turn, treat your playing partner to a soda or beer and carefully drop one Vicodin and two Zanax into his drink. Then hand it to him, smile, altruistically raise your drink and say, “Let’s toast to a nice, calm enjoyable back nine!”

2. Take animal waste and pour it down his golf bag.

1. Pay someone to break her legs. The Saints did it, why not you!

Sell Your Cracked Balls For Top Dollar

Today’s hi-tech golf ball rarely gets damaged. Golf balls with “smiles” are almost obsolete. However, if you have one or more golf balls with cracks or marks on them, you might have a monetary gem without knowing it. GolfNews Magazine is always trying to provide its readers with information that will improve their game and their pocketbooks. The information that follows could bring you thousands of dollars.

If a McNugget that looks like George Washington can fetch $8,100, which it did, and a piece of toast that has on it an image that resembles the face of Jesus Christ can bring in nearly $15,000, which it did, then surely your golf ball with a dent or slice has got to be worth something.

So, that’s why a consignment store has opened its doors in the Greater Palm Springs Resort Area of California; its name— Faces On Your Balls. Faces On Your Balls invites all of you to bring in your golf balls to validate their collectible worth. The owners, Debbie “Dimples” Thompson and Tom “Two Piece” Johnson, state there are various categories of balls, the main groupings are: Religious, Sports, Celebrities, Monuments, Politicians, Villains, Dictators, and Reality Stars.

Here is the initial pricing in the First Edition Faces On Your Balls Catalog. If any of your golf balls, due to cuts and bruises (no handmade or machine-made logos or markings count toward the value), look like some of the images listed, you’ve got something of value.

So, here we go:

Jesus Christ (or Moses): $10,000
Kobe Bryant: $9,975
Brad Pitt: $9,950
George Clooney: $9,950
Elvis: $9,925
Marilyn Monroe: $9,925
Grant’s Tomb: $8,235
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: $8,025
Adolph Hitler: $7,500
Obama Sin Laden: $7,475
Donald Trump’s Hair: $525
Donald Trump’s Face: $200
Sarah Palin: $25
Russ Limbaugh: $2
Snookie: 75 cents
Tiger Woods: $0

So, examine your balls carefully, especially you hackers out there who miss a lot of shots. And, all of you, be sure to change to a soft-covered golf ball that is easily damaged, so if your ball hits the side of a house, golf cart, cart path, tree, tee marker, or another golfer’s head, you might wind up with something of great value. That disfigured ball you have might be worth its weight in Surlyn.

Testicle Lawsuit

I don’t know how many guys have been hit with a golf ball where it hurts, but if you have or if someday you go through the trauma of it happening, you might have a viable legal case. A golfer’s balls are no different than a wrestler’s balls, right? And at this very moment as I write this column, a wrestler is setting a legal precedent for protecting…ah, well…his balls!

“We all know pro wrestling is staged,” writes Tom Weir in USA Today, “but that doesn’t mean something can’t still go terribly wrong in the ring.” Weir reports that wrestler John Levi Miller alleges he had a testicle surgically removed one day after it was ruptured by an opponent who kicked him in the groin.

Miller claims the jolt to his testicle wasn’t supposed to happen.
Miller alleges in his lawsuit that his wrestling opponent, Guido Andretti, refused Miller’s invitation to in advance rehearse the rigged match, and contends that he, Miller, was the predetermined winner and Andretti deviated from the agreement by winning the match. Miller states he has no health insurance and has accumulated $20,000 in medical bills, proving that testicular surgery is more expensive than what you might think.

So, if one of these days you’re enjoying your round of golf and suddenly you feel pain in your groin, fall to the ground in agony, see a golf ball that’s not yours by your foot, realize you’ve just been hit in the testicles by an errant golf shot. Immediately struggle to your feet, take your hands off your testicles, grab your cell phone and…call your lawyer, next your doctor, and then ask your wife two questions, “Honey, are you going to feel promiscuous tonight? If so, will you give me a rain check?

Hooked on Pizza: Don’t Be Alarmed

If you’re hooked on pizza, no need to be alarmed (except for your calorie count). You’re a red-blooded American if pizza is one of your favorites. Jane and Michael Stern in Parade Magazine write, “Americans eat 350 pizza slices per second.” That means by the time you play a four-hour round of golf, your fellow Americans have devoured more slices of pizza than you could ever imagine—5.04 million (21,000 per minute) to be exact.

That also means that your fellow citizens have devoured 1.52 billion calories (calculations based on one slice of pepperoni pizza having 300 calories), 26.7 million grams of saturated fat, and sodium at a tune of 3.44 billion milligrams

Umm, on the other hand, as you look at the clubhouse luncheon menu, maybe you better have that salad after all.


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